Horror review: Scary Movie 5

SCARY MOVIE 5

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON STRAIGHT.COM, APRIL 12, 2013

The scariest thing about Scary Movie 5 is that it actually made me chortle less than some of the silly horror flicks it’s trying to spoof!

Like Mama, for instance.

Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex are the main actors committing career hari-kari in this poo- and penis joke-filled disaster, which also riffs lamely on the Paranormal Activity franchise, Black Swan, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Evil Dead, and–for the sole reason that they found a guy resembling Leonardo DiCaprio–Inception.

They also recreated a scene from Sinister because they wanted to squeeze in a Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo reference.

We’re talkin’ classy stuff here.

You’d think having a refined Morgan Freeman soundalike narrate the goofy goings-on might give it some ironic edge, but that doesn’t help at all. And neither does the fast-motion, Benny Hill-style shenanigans that kick in now and again–like when tabloid sensations Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan do the nasty with their clothes on.

A prime example of the humour on display comes when one of the feral tykes from Mama is seen gnawing on the wrong end of a popsicle, missing the actual treat, and someone suggests she “try the other end”. Thinking they mean her other end, she puts the stick up her butt, then pulls it back out, takes a whiff, and conks out from the stench.

Comedy gold!

The only time I halfheartedly half-chuckled during Scary Movie 5‘s entire 85 minutes was when, while “Morgan Freeman” describes with poetic wonder the heights of a genetically enhanced ape’s intelligence, the guy in a monkey suit grabs poo from a nearby toilet and flings it.

That’s as good as it gets I’m afraid.

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