ORIGINALLY POSTED ON STRAIGHT.COM, OCT. 10, 2014
Dracula Untold is so patently ridiculous that it’s hard to even fathom how it came to be. Did some billionaire producer on meth sit through a Lord of the Rings marathon and declare: “That would be so much better with vampires!”?
After a rambling prologue describing how 15th century Transylvanian boys were enslaved by Ottoman Turks and made into soldiers—which created one seriously harsh dude named Vlad the Impaler—we meet a kinder, gentler Prince Vlad (Luke Evans), who is now the peace-loving ruler of a kingdom where skewering folks on sharp sticks is totally frowned upon.
Into this happy land march those pesky Turks again, led by evil sultan Mehmed (Dominic Cooper), demanding a thousand more boys for conscription. Because he’s now a devoted family man with a loving wife (Sarah Gadon) and doting son (Art Parkinson), Vlad figures “fuck that noise!” and heads up to Broken Tooth Mountain (I kid you not) to seek help from the cave-dwelling Nosferatu type with Predator-vision (Charles Dance) who tried to kill him on his last visit.
The master vampire strikes a Faustian bargain with Vlad, who guzzles his blood and becomes powerful enough to immediately slaughter 1,000 Turkish soldiers in hand-to-hand (and tooth-to-neck) combat.
After that single-handed ass-whuppin’, things stay silly when hordes of Turkish reinforcements arrive and Vlad sics his army of bats on them, using his hands and fists to direct their swoops like a crazed conductor. Then he passes some of his undead blood around to his beaten people so they can get all glowy-eyed and snarly and vengefully dispatch any leftover Turks in that marauding-zombie way that’s so popular today.
Throughout all this overblown hoo-haw various characters deliver solemn pronouncements like “I have been through hell, so I know there is a heaven.” After watching Dracula Untold, you’ll definitely be able to relate to the hell part.
Just pray you’re never forced to see it on a double bill with I, Frankenstein.